(I need something to test this new RSS feed, so I’m reposting this. You don’t have to read it.)

No one has written a Wikipedia entry about me, but I’ve compiled a list of common misapprehensions about me just in case.

• That I was born in Alabama.

I grew up in Alabama, but I was born in Texas and lived there until the age of seven. Actually, I’m the only person that ever made this mistake. A few years ago I requested a replacement birth certificate from the wrong state.

• That I finished reading Watership Down

I’m relatively certain Hurricane Katrina destroyed my permanent record, so the chances that my high school diploma will be revoked are slim. Besides, I never explicitly claimed I completed the assigned reading. Still, I feel a little bad that my English teacher has labored under a false impression for nearly two decades.

I liked the book, really. I just hate rabbits. A lot.

• That I’m gay.

Straight people often make this mistake. Gay people rarely do (except for that Senator). I’m not sure if it’s my degree in theatre or the fact that I learned the art of flirting with women from one of the great gay masters, but this happens more than it should for a man with my slapdash approach to accessorizing.

Typically I’m too flattered to make corrections, but I’m putting up this disclaimer for the sake of wiki accuracy.

• That I know anything at all about your computer.

I understand this one. I wear a lot of black t-shirts, I’m a little overweight, and my job title at Google is Technical Specialist III. Of course I can diagnose the issue with your graphics card!

Shamefully, I know almost nothing about your computer. In fact, I care very little about your computer. Don’t get me wrong, I love my laptop. I can’t live without it, but to me it’s just a tool that I use to do the other things that I care about. As long as it can do those things, then I think it’s the best computer ever. Also, I use a Mac, so I’m pretty sure it loves me back.

Why do people continue to believe I can help them? Because, like the wise old man in a very special episode of Diff’rent Strokes, I’m too proud to admit that I can’t read, so I fake it.

You can solve almost any problem with a Google search. Try it.

• That I know David Schwimmer.

Only one person believes that I know David Schwimmer, but how can I be sure she won’t try to write a Wikipedia entry on me?

There’s a guy that’s pretty famous around Google who is also named Schwimmer, and I mentioned to my boss one day that he came to a party at my house. I guess she didn’t recognize his name because she asked me if he “acted like Ross in real life?” I had no idea what she meant, but I nodded my head anyway, and ever since then she’s believed one of the stars of Friends and The Pallbearer spent New Year’s Eve of 2006 at my house.

Honestly, this was the best way I could think of to correct that error.